


Nepenthe

by Oinops



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, bellow summer bash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24797272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oinops/pseuds/Oinops
Summary: ne·pen·the | \ nə-ˈpen(t)-thē  \1: a potion used by the ancients to induce forgetfulness of pain or sorrow2: something capable of causing oblivion of grief or suffering“I guess I just wish loving someone actually meant anything.”
Relationships: Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You'd think I had more than one fic ready, since I'm running this event, but oh well. Anyway, this is another installment of my neverending "giving Blue and Yellow the thought and care they actually deserved in canon" fic series.
> 
> Also, the next chapter will be NSFW.

Yellow set her tweezers back on the quartz table, wiping her forehead. The pale light of Homeworld’s sunset shone in from the intricate windows, caressing the petals of her potted flowers: it was a stark contrast with what she’d gotten used to over the centuries, but she supposed that too was all part of the game.

By herself, in the silence of her chamber, she could admit her journey was far from over. It all still seemed so very bizarre—but after all, adapting to change and unpredictability had never really been her strong suit.

She was sure, however, that the day coming to an end was about to mark a definite breakthrough.

She’d seen it with her own two eyes: a shattered Jade glimmering soft violet and coming back to life right in the palm of her hand. Sure, her left eye was way bigger than her right, now, and she seemed to have sprouted a few extra fingers along the way, but it was _something_. They had blinked at each other for a few minutes, and Yellow had gasped in elation.

(She’d never gasped before. Not once in her life.)

The small gem had spoken (spoken!), had asked where she was. Had realized who was standing in front of her, and cowered.

_Oh. Right._

“My Diamond, I…”

Yellow didn’t have the heart to correct her. All she had mustered was a weak _I’m sorry_ , before setting her on the ground and sending her on her way.

There would be so many gems waiting for her outside. There was Spinel. She always seemed to be so good at dispelling tension in these kinds of situations.

But again, being any better than she was didn’t really take much effort.

That Jade would move on, eventually. They all would.

They had too.

It had been less than twenty minutes before. Yellow was still staring at her hands, frantic. It dawned on her once again, and she had to tell someone. _She had to…_

The trip across the hallway took her less than a minute. She all but ran up to the other door, all but slammed her hand over the recognition pad.

“Blue, I…!”

“Yellow?”

The panels slid shut behind her, bringing her back to reality again. The room was silent and dark, just as she remembered it being throughout her considerably long life. Blue was standing in the middle, her back to the door, fiddling with something; she turned towards her and Yellow could finally see it: a small, pale, cloud-like formation. She released it, sending it to join many other similar ones hovering under the domed glass ceiling.

 _That_ was new.

She only realized she was gaping when Blue snapped her out of her trance.

“Yellow! Has something happened?” she exclaimed, her usual mellow voice breaking with the slightest tinge of distress. She took two steps forward, staring into her eyes. Her counterpart suddenly felt silly.

“No! Well, yes. I mean… what is this?” she stammered, pointing at the strange vapor in an attempt to divert the attention and regain some lost dignity. Blue looked away, sighing almost imperceptibly.

“Something I wasn’t quite done with yet, actually,” she stated, with a resentful tone Yellow might as well have imagined. “A thing with my powers. But it’s not exactly…”

She trailed off, bringing her hands together in front of her chest, immediately separating them a few seconds later. Here it was again: a little cloud that glimmered under the sunset, something you could only notice while looking at it up close. It swirled and expanded, dissipating a moment later. Blue’s mouth twisted in disappointment.

“It’s not perfect yet, as I was saying.”

Yellow stared, still puzzled and now ashamed of her intrusion too. Barging in like that just to brag seemed like her poorest idea yet, now.

“Really, though, tell me what’s going on,” Blue prodded with a confused smile. “You’re not acting like yourself. Should I be worried?”

“I’ve discovered something new, too,” Yellow began, the great part of her confidence gone. “I came here to tell you, actually.”

“Oh?”

“There were these fragments I had in my office, from… experiments, you know. A Jade. I managed to find most of them,” she continued. “And then—I was just wondering, I guess, if it would even be possible…”

There was an expectant pause.

“And?”

“She’s back together. Or at least I think so. Legs, arms, torso—she could speak and everything. Came out with a few extra fingers, but I’m sure we’ll eventually be able to…”

She gulped. Blue’s eyes widened, then she broke into a silent, half-exasperated smile.

“What?”

“Ah, Yellow. If it isn’t just like you, to constantly outdo me in everything without even trying.”

Had that been pique? Harmless banter? Yellow had no way of telling. “I didn’t mean to…” she began, immediately cutting off. Blue’s expression was somber again.

“Of course you didn’t. That was my point, wasn’t it.”

Knowing what was really going through Blue’s mind at any moment seemed like an almost impossible feat. It always had. Yellow watched as she sighed, turned on her heels, idly gazed around the empty room. She pinched her nose, a sight that the general had always found incredibly uncharacteristic and greatly amusing.

Now, however, it just made her feel anxious.

“Forgive me, Yellow,” she slumped. “It’s been a long day.”

A long day, or two years, or six millennia. A long existence, most of it wasted. There certainly were many ways to look at it.

There was also the fact that the two of them hadn’t had an actual conversation in centuries, or at least not one that didn’t include some sort of petty disagreement. It was just par for the course that this one wouldn’t be any different.

(How could she think coming there would be a good idea, anyway?)

The following silence was long and heavy. Yellow tapped her foot against the smooth flooring, fidgeted with her sleeve, tried to look at anything that wasn’t Blue’s face.

It had been so easy, once upon a time.

“You can still show me,” she attempted. “I could help you out. Or well, give feedback. If you’d like,” she continued, instinctively correcting herself. Blue perked up, her expression slightly less wary.

“I can try. Come here,” she resolved, leaning forward and gently tugging Yellow by her wrists until they were both standing in the center of the room. Her hands pulled away, softly grazing the other’s covered fingertips and making her tense up in her gloves.

_Now what?_

As if answering her question, Blue waved a hand and brought the mass of clouds down to ground level. Both of them were engulfed by the strange mist, now: it didn’t feel like much, at first—slightly cold, slightly damp, not that pleasant on the skin.

And then there was a shift.

It was like the gentlest possible hug. Not just any, however, but one from Blue specifically: it had her scent, the exact warmth of the palms of her hands. It felt like coming home—or like distant memories, remote and hazy enough to be easily mistaken for dreams. It was bizarre.

But most of all, it was intoxicating.

“Blue…” Yellow giggled, covering her belly as if she had been tickled. The other leaned forward, her worried expression slowly relaxing.

“Are you okay? How does it feel?”

Yellow inhaled and exhaled quietly, outstretching her arms to steady herself. She closed her eyes, tried to suppress another laughing fit, slowly opened them again. Blue was in front of her, observing with a tentative smile, her hands clasped in her lap.

“Oh, Blue, it’s…”

Forming sentences was suddenly hard. Her cheeks felt warm, her head heavy. She stared at her companion: at the silvery curls framing her round face, the gentle slope of her nose, her childlike pout. Like magic, it was all gone—the tension, the guilt, the reasons for her pointless and perpetual unease. Under it all, the only thing left was Blue: a vision from eons past, unchanged, unscathed.

“…Wonderful,” she murmured, taking one step forward, stumbling right into her arms. Looking up, she noticed Blue was laughing too.

“You think?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she punctuated, dizzy and stupid. There was a stray lock of hair falling in front of Blue’s eyes, and she reached forward to tuck it behind her ear. She pressed their foreheads together, breathing in slowly.

Then Blue sighed, closed her eyes, and they were left in a cold and empty room.

Yellow sobered up as soon as they stepped away from each other. Her entire face was still on fire, albeit for entirely different reasons.

“I am so sorry, I—”

“No, Yellow. I am,” Blue interrupted, pacing in circles, suddenly distraught once again. She’d been acting strange all evening, and the other was at the end of her rope. She planted her eyes on an empty wall, mortified.

“I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry for interrupting your work.”

She wanted to leave, but something was keeping her stuck in place. Blue stopped her pacing, defeated.

“You know what’s silly? I was actually hoping you’d come by, eventually,” she confessed, choking up at the end of her sentence. “I hoped this could be good. That you’d be impressed.”

Her gem was starting to glow, and she covered it with her hand. Yellow moved closer, instinctively trying to place a hand on her shoulder, but Blue turned away.

She sighed.

“For all that it matters, I do think it’s interesting.”

“It’s worthless. I’m just imposing myself on everyone else, like always. Doesn’t matter if it’s laughing gas instead of unspeakable agonies, this time around,” she stated coldly. Yellow couldn’t think of another time where she had been so harsh on herself.

“I don’t want you to like me just because I’m forcing you to,” she concluded.

The general was bewildered.

“What are you talking about?”

“The last time we’ve been alone in the same room was two years ago, Yellow. And by complete accident, too.”

There was silence—deep, uncomfortable. Blue looked to the side, Yellow sighed. It was true.

“We’ve all been very busy,” she tried to justify, despite knowing that.

“Spare me, please. You don’t need excuses. I get it.”

Yellow inhaled, bracing herself. “I don’t think you do.”

Blue looked surprised, enough to be rendered speechless.

“I never stopped loving you,” Yellow continued, stumbling on her words. “I just hope you know you’re not forcing me to do anything, if nothing else.”

She turned around and walked to the door, a hand on her face to prevent any further embarrassment. Just as she was about to leave, the other called.

“Yellow.”

“Yes.”

“You seemed so excited when you came in here.”

She rubbed her eyes with one hand, not daring to look back. “I should have known better, you’ve made it clear already.”

“I was just wondering why me, after all this.”

Yellow turned around, let her arms fall to her sides.

“Because who else, Blue?”

They stood facing one another in silence for what could have probably been hours, Yellow’s head heavy with thoughts and words that kept tangling together to become meaningless. There was so much to be said, so many wrong ways to say it.

“I guess I just wish loving someone actually meant anything.”

She didn’t explain, and for a long time, Blue didn’t ask. There was loving someone, pure and simple, and then there was loving someone and spending your entire life being a little ashamed of it. There was loving someone and locking them away in a dark tower. There was loving someone, enough to sacrifice your whole self and the entire universe in their name.

Would it ever be the former, for people like them?

“Are you really sure it doesn’t, Yellow?”

She was looking at her with glossy eyes, her hands clasped together over her stomach in barely concealed apprehension. Yellow spent one more moment lost in thought, then slumped.

“Of course I’m not, I’m not sure of anything. That’s first day of Era Three stuff, Blue.”

The half hearted joke eased some of the tension, and they both broke into a sad chuckle. There was more silence, before Yellow dared to speak again.

“It was really bizarre, just before. For a few moments, when I was with you inside that fog, it was almost as if none of this actually mattered.”

“But it does, doesn’t it?” her counterpart blurted, almost shaken by her own boldness.

“Yes. Or not, I can’t tell,” Yellow confessed. “There’s so much of it and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Silence fell, once more, broken only by the sound of Blue’s gown rustling against the marble flooring. She came near, tugged at Yellow’s forearm, lifted her hand. The older diamond’s cheeks felt warm again.

“I think that might be part of it, Yellow: you always think you have to do it all alone.”

An almost invisible smile, both reassuring and desperate. Yellow couldn’t help but match it.

“I miss you, you know. So much. Every day. And you’re right here, and…” Blue pleaded in a murmur, cutting off as soon as the tears began to fall. Yellow leaned over to wipe them with her thumb—this time, she let her.

“Blue…”

“Will you tell me about your Jade again?” she continued, regaining her breath. She didn’t say please, but her tone did enough to imply it.

Yellow’s hand moved from her face to her hair.

“Of course, Blue.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lied. The second chapter ended up being split into two, and this part is still SFW. I've just been having a ton of trouble with this fic, for some reason.
> 
> P.S. This chapter contains canon-compliant allusions to parental abuse.

The large cloud floated lazily, slowly rocking its two occupants back and forth around the room. Resting on her back, Yellow stretched and crossed her legs with a small yawn. She had to admit the latest of Blue’s projects was way more substantial than it had seemed at first: less like standing in the middle of a swamp, and more like lying on a freshly made bed. All of its stronger side effects had quickly subsided, too—a peaceful contentedness instead of endless giggling, pleasant drowsiness in place of that strange, heady feeling.

Yet, even now, the mere concept of it still seemed so bizarre.

“You said it was an accident?” she asked, recalling one of their previous conversations. Sitting next to her, her hand against her cheek, Blue hummed in assent.

“How strange…” Yellow commented, dozy, looking up with heavy-lidded eyes. She didn’t elaborate any further.

“I suppose. I just had no idea I could do anything of the sort, you know? But I had this drive inside of me, after everything that happened, to try and do something. Anything. You know, despite it seeming so impossible.”

“Impossible?”

Blue nodded again, somber. “I spent my entire life convinced all I could ever be was a living weapon of mass destruction.”

Yellow lifted an arm in front of her face, staring at her own gloved hand. She stretched her fingers, once and twice: how hard it had seemed just that morning, to think of them as anything but sources of grief. Meant only for conquest and never for mercy—how often White had reminded her.

She let them fall limply, one on her stomach and one to her side. “I know what you mean.”

Blue smiled at her bitterly, lying down in turn. With a heavy sigh, she raised her eyes to the ceiling.

“You always do.”

It was spoken at herself more than Yellow, and the latter could almost swear she had dreamed it up. Affectionate yet resigned, honey with a bitter aftertaste—and she had no idea what to do with it. So often, in the past few centuries, standing next to Blue had been just as alienating as having her galaxies apart.

Yellow sensed she might have felt the same way.

“And you really think this is something?” the youngest decided to ask, yet again, after she didn’t speak. Yellow turned on her side and curled up, nuzzling further into the cloud and breathing in.

“I do. I promise,” she reiterated, drowsy. It made Blue smile, if only for a moment. “Do you not?”

“Maybe, or maybe not. It feels pointless. Minuscule. I keep repeating to myself it’s all better now, that even thinking such things is selfish, that White wants us all happy, but I…”

She never finished the sentence, letting it fall into echoing silence. Yellow looked at her; she looked straight ahead. 

Every single reminder of their past lives had been razed to the ground—every statue and spire, every tower, every insignia. Yet, even now, Yellow would wander by and spend hours in the doorway of an empty courtroom. She’d stare at the spot where her throne used to be, unable to move.

She doubted the feeling would ever go away.

“I met her in the hallway, just yesterday. She asked what I was up to and tried to put a hand on my shoulder, and I flinched away. I didn’t even realize, at first. She looked distraught. I still haven’t forgiven myself,” Blue continued her confession. “She’s trying, I know she is. She just wants everything to go back to what it used to be, and look at how I treat her.”

Yellow rarely let herself reminisce: yet, right now, it seemed almost impossible not to. She went back—centuries, eons—trying to remember: moments of calm between vicious storms, the few sunny days scattered across an endless winter. She could count them on her hands. Did they even mean anything at all?

She would have said yes, in the past. She would have probably said yes yesterday.

Now, in this dark room, the rising moon illuminating Blue’s face from the side, she suddenly wasn’t so sure.

“See, though—that’s the issue. I don’t think it’s ever been any different at all,” she found herself saying. Blue seemed puzzled.

“Certainly you can agree we’ve had some good times, too.”

“Name them, Blue.”

Her response was instinctive, and she immediately started berating herself for coming off as so callous yet again. The other, however, didn’t hesitate for a second.

“Our first ball together.”

“White relegated you to the tower for the following decade, all because you started talking with a Sapphire and she overheard you make a joke at her expense. At the next one, we were no longer allowed to leave our thrones.”

“The day you and I designed Pink’s garden, then.”

“But she never wanted it in the first place. She spent the night crying, remember? And it ended up being Spinel’s prison for six thousand years.”

Yellow had shut Pink’s bedroom door behind her, that day—one last remark about how ungrateful she always was as it slammed on its hinges.

All that she had ever asked from them was a word of understanding.

“Our first shared colony.”

“I…”

Those three hundred years had been a time of many firsts.

White would eventually decide it would also be their last one.

Systematically, she went through every memory—all the nights they had shared in their youth, and the three months she would spend avoiding Blue like the plague after each one. The blows she’d diligently take in her place, the cold reminders she would give her afterwards: never question her, never speak unless asked to, never think too loudly.

_You know she’s right._

All the twisted ideals she’d been convinced to put before everything—before her own being, before Pink, before reason itself.

Before Blue.

And it was hard, suddenly, to remember any of it fondly. Before one could say a word, every sweet and small moment would already be tarnished by poison.

“I still cherish them all, you know,” Blue retorted, awaking her from her thoughts, almost as if she had read them.

Yellow didn’t doubt for a second that she could.

“Do you want to know why?” she continued. Transfixed, the oldest could only nod.

“Because I spent them all beside you,” she admitted eventually, looking away. “You’re the one part of my existence I never regretted. Not for one second.”

“Not one?” Yellow asked.

( _How silly. How needy._ )

“Not one.”

“Not once in the thousands of years I spent finding excuses for White instead of listening to Pink? To you? Not when I kept trying to force you to do the same, after she left?”

Her words were accusatory; her voice, however, was a mere whisper.

“You did what you could. I never even tried.”

“You were grieving.”

“So where you.”

They faced yet another spot of awkward silence. Blue was sitting up, now, her mouth pressed against her bent knees.

“You do regret it. Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’d never—”

Pause.

“Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I regret everything I did, and I regret not doing enough. I regret trying to help you because I could never do it the right way. I regret…” she cut off, out of breath. “I regret never stopping to question myself. But not you. Never you.”

Blue was still, silent. 

“I just wish it could have been easy. I just wish it could be easy _again_ ,” she kept explaining. “But the more I go back, the more I find that maybe it never was.”

( _They were back in that prison cell, Blue lunging forward without even blinking._

I really never meant a thing to you _, Yellow thought, selfish, her arm raised to smite yet another traitor._

_How inevitable._

_How perverted._ )

“I know it wasn’t, Yellow. I’m not as in denial as you think,” Blue ended up answering, stopping her before she could rebut. “But I keep hoping that it can be. And maybe I’m foolish, but that’s just how it is.”

“Blue—”

“You haven’t been perfect and neither have I. But, you know, someone once told me that dwelling on past mistakes won’t ever fix anything,” she chuckled, tired. Yellow matched her.

“So maybe it’s worth a try. It’s the best we can do,” she added. “The point is… you need to be willing to do it.”

But Yellow did not know.

“It’s like everything’s clearer, up here on this cloud. Easier, even. I am right now, but who knows what will happen as soon as I step down.”

“I don’t either, Yellow,” Blue sighed. “I'm only asking you to help me with one little effort. Do you think you can take it?”

Mid-air, absentmindedly, their hands joined.

“You know I always can.”

Blue smiled knowingly.

“All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be honest. I can’t remember another time where you've spoken to me so openly.”

Yellow stretched again, suppressing a yawn. “Seems like this project of yours turned out to be of some use, after all.”

Blue scoffed. “Oh, you…”

She brushed her gloved knuckles.

“She was so nervous, that Jade from before,” Yellow mused, going back to her past afternoon. “I bet she could get something out of it, too.”

They stared at one another in the half-darkness, Blue’s eyes both glimmering and bottomless. She scooted closer, removed Yellow’s helmet, brushed her messy hair off her forehead. Her hand rested on her cheek for a second, and she brought it down like she seemed to do everything else.

With a tenderness that almost felt violent.

They inched closer and closer, meeting halfway. The kiss was shy, and tender, and achingly familiar.

And six thousand years too late.

“One more thing,” Blue whispered over her lips, as they parted to regain breath. “Just one more and I’ll be done forever.”

“Tell me.”

“Will you stay the night?”


End file.
